Dear Dad,
I dreamed of you last night. Perhaps it’s because I have been writing letters to you again or perhaps it’s simply because you have been on my heart. In my dream, you were dying but you weren’t in the hospital or at Trillium. You were home and you were in Seedie’s room in her bed, not in your hospital bed. You were even lying on your side which I know you couldn’t do for a long time before you left. We kept thinking you had taken your last breath but then you would still be there. You were completely coherent, not halfway in another world like you were in real life. In my dream I went out to my car to get something and Seedie came running out and said, “That’s it, he is gone for real this time. It’s over.” So I went into your room to say goodbye. You were lying on your side with your legs curled up and I grabbed your hand and it was still warm. I held your hand for a minute and then you took a deep, gasping breath and said, “Thank you, I needed that.” And we smiled at each other and cried together... then I woke up. I am not sure what any of it means but I am so glad I got to hear your voice again. I have missed it so much. At the same time, it has left me a little down today. It really brings to light the lack of having you here. It reminded me that I can’t just go over to your house and hang out with you anymore. It reminded me how different my life has become without you. But it also reminded me of how free you are now, no longer incapable of walking or even moving. No longer trapped. I love you papa, thanks for the visit.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What Why How?
Dear Dad,
What do you do when you are watching someone self-destruct? When you stand by watching helplessly as their lives are burning to the ground? When there is nothing you can do to help because they won’t accept your help and apparently don’t know how to help themselves? It makes me literally feel sick in my stomach to watch her destroy herself. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to walk away? Am I supposed to reach out and help her? What would you have done dad? How would you have dealt with this? How can you endure the pain of watching a loved one slowly make themselves more and more miserable? Why doesn’t she love herself? Why doesn’t she think she is worth more than the life she is living? Where did she get the idea that it is okay to live like that? It’s not how we were raised, it’s not what we were shown as kids. What do I do dad? How do I sit back and watch her and not feel hurt for her?
What am I supposed to do?
What do you do when you are watching someone self-destruct? When you stand by watching helplessly as their lives are burning to the ground? When there is nothing you can do to help because they won’t accept your help and apparently don’t know how to help themselves? It makes me literally feel sick in my stomach to watch her destroy herself. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to walk away? Am I supposed to reach out and help her? What would you have done dad? How would you have dealt with this? How can you endure the pain of watching a loved one slowly make themselves more and more miserable? Why doesn’t she love herself? Why doesn’t she think she is worth more than the life she is living? Where did she get the idea that it is okay to live like that? It’s not how we were raised, it’s not what we were shown as kids. What do I do dad? How do I sit back and watch her and not feel hurt for her?
What am I supposed to do?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Its Been a While...
Dear Dad,
I miss you so much. It has been a little while since we have talked and so much has happened. The wedding was so perfect, dad. All week they had been calling for rain, high heat and high humidity, but it all turned out perfect! It didn’t rain a single time. I think the Big Guy was watching out for us :) the only way that the day could have been better is if you had been there with us but, in a way, you were with me the whole time. You still walked down the aisle with me, we had you in our hearts and I had you on my bouquet :) I showed Joe your picture and it was over from there, no holding back the tears. But don’t worry, Joe did a great job taking care of me and he still is. He even took us skydiving, but I will tell you more about that later! Our relationship has grown stronger every day, and so has my marriage to Aaron. There are still days that I wish you were here to give me marriage advice… lots of days… but I pray about it and I try to imagine what you would tell me. You were so full of wisdom papa and I really miss picking your brain.
The honeymoon was so fun! We got to see so much and it makes me realize how much more of this world I want to see! There is so much beauty out there and so many things to do. I love that you and Seedie got to travel so much together in the first years of your relationship. I miss that for her. I miss getting your random text messages while I am at work and you are on a beach somewhere with your wifey.
So, we went skydiving. July 17, 2010 Aaron, Marcie, Phil and myself all did tandems. Joe went with us of course. He jumped at 5,000 feet from Marcie’s flight so that he could make it to the ground in time to get on board with Aaron and I. I got to see him jump your rig. Watching him gather up the parachute and walk in made me think of you so much I started to cry. Mom said he even landed like you used to. I watched Marcie come in too. It was so exciting, dad! I can see why you did it for so many years and its hard to not want to become a certified skydiver! Marcie is planning on it though and we think it would be a good use of her time! The people there were all so nice and they would be good influences on her. I am torn because I don’t want to do it without Aaron and I just don’t know that it would fit into our plans for the future. I guess we will see what happens after our next jump… we are going again! August 14 is a boogie weekend and Joe wants us to come back. I cant wait :)
There are so many other things I want to tell you dad, so many things that I have missed without you. I love you so much and I think about you all the time. I know that you wouldn’t come back even if you had the chance because it must be so amazing up there! We are holding each other up down here and working on making you proud.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie KENDRA!!
I miss you so much. It has been a little while since we have talked and so much has happened. The wedding was so perfect, dad. All week they had been calling for rain, high heat and high humidity, but it all turned out perfect! It didn’t rain a single time. I think the Big Guy was watching out for us :) the only way that the day could have been better is if you had been there with us but, in a way, you were with me the whole time. You still walked down the aisle with me, we had you in our hearts and I had you on my bouquet :) I showed Joe your picture and it was over from there, no holding back the tears. But don’t worry, Joe did a great job taking care of me and he still is. He even took us skydiving, but I will tell you more about that later! Our relationship has grown stronger every day, and so has my marriage to Aaron. There are still days that I wish you were here to give me marriage advice… lots of days… but I pray about it and I try to imagine what you would tell me. You were so full of wisdom papa and I really miss picking your brain.
The honeymoon was so fun! We got to see so much and it makes me realize how much more of this world I want to see! There is so much beauty out there and so many things to do. I love that you and Seedie got to travel so much together in the first years of your relationship. I miss that for her. I miss getting your random text messages while I am at work and you are on a beach somewhere with your wifey.
So, we went skydiving. July 17, 2010 Aaron, Marcie, Phil and myself all did tandems. Joe went with us of course. He jumped at 5,000 feet from Marcie’s flight so that he could make it to the ground in time to get on board with Aaron and I. I got to see him jump your rig. Watching him gather up the parachute and walk in made me think of you so much I started to cry. Mom said he even landed like you used to. I watched Marcie come in too. It was so exciting, dad! I can see why you did it for so many years and its hard to not want to become a certified skydiver! Marcie is planning on it though and we think it would be a good use of her time! The people there were all so nice and they would be good influences on her. I am torn because I don’t want to do it without Aaron and I just don’t know that it would fit into our plans for the future. I guess we will see what happens after our next jump… we are going again! August 14 is a boogie weekend and Joe wants us to come back. I cant wait :)
There are so many other things I want to tell you dad, so many things that I have missed without you. I love you so much and I think about you all the time. I know that you wouldn’t come back even if you had the chance because it must be so amazing up there! We are holding each other up down here and working on making you proud.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie KENDRA!!
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