May 10, 2010

Dear Dad,

I miss you so much already. It is hard knowing that I can’t see you physically anymore but I know that you are still here. Every day I have been trying to make decisions based on what you would think is best. I have been trying to help Marcie make better decisions but it is quite the undertaking. We fought even today and you haven’t even been gone a week yet. I feel like I have to watch out for her now that you aren’t around to do that anymore. I know that she relied on you a lot dad. I know this is going to be a hard road for her to travel. I just want so badly for her to turn her life around. I think that as long as she continues to do what she is doing now that may not happen. I want her to take advice from people that are better off in life and who have made good decisions to get where they are. But I think she would rather take advice from someone who has spent most of his adult life in jail. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I have been asking Joe for advice a lot because he is better at giving it than he realizes. He wants me to stop getting my emotions invested in her and to realize that there is nothing that we can do to change her and to let her figure it out. It is just hard to try to not want the best for her. Why is it that I have to feel like her big sister when I am younger than her? She told me today that I live a “catered life”… I guess it’s hard to see past that when you have a poor mentality, she can’t see that I have worked hard and been through a lot to get to where I am at in life.

I will miss you tonight. I would normally get out of work and cruise over to pick you up and bring you to res for healing rooms. It will be weird not doing that anymore. It will be weird to not have that time in the car bouncing ideas off of you and asking you questions about life… and about Marcie… It will be weird not watching Boston Legal, House, American Pickers, Pawn Stars and Operation Repo with you :) But I have had so many great memories from the past couple years I was privileged to spend more time with you. And since I can’t converse with you anymore, I think writing to you will make me feel better. I don’t know what heaven is like. I don’t know if we get there and become a little like God in that we can hear what people are thinking or watch their everyday lives, but I sure hope that you can “hear” these conversations I am typing to you. I know that you still love us but I am glad that you are finally home. I miss you daddy.

Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie