Dear Dad,
It has been a while since we talked… I am sorry for that. It has been so hard not having you here and sometimes it’s just easier not to think about you. But there are days that I just can’t help it. Days when I wake up from an amazing dream where you are still making Seedie and I laugh on a Saturday night and in those dreams you are getting better, starting to walk again… then I wake up. I love seeing you but it reminds me that you aren’t here anymore. There are also days when I am upset about things and you used to be the one I would go to and talk to about it. Don’t get me wrong, Aaron does an amazing job being there for me, but it still makes me miss you when I can’t just come over and cry on your shoulder. I can still hear your voice though, I can imagine what you would tell me, I can act in a way that you would approve of and make you and God proud. But I miss you daddy…
On Sunday Aaron and I will have been married for 6 months and the time has sure flown by! This will be our first Christmas as a family and I will be thinking of you a lot papa. Remembering the times when we were little and we used to decorate the Christmas tree. We never had one of those “pretty” trees that was all decorated in matching color schemes with everything organized perfectly. Our tree was jumbled with ornaments made by us over the years, with bright colored lights and tinsel (whenever mom would let us get tinsel)… And it was always a real tree, we may not have hacked them down but we always got to pick them out together :) I will be thinking of the times Marcie and I would sneak out of bed at 5:00am to grab our stockings and run back to our bedrooms to dump them out on our beds to see what goodies we got. I will be reminiscing about how after another hour or two of sleep we would run into your bedroom and jump on your bed and tackle you until you and mom would wake up and watch us open our presents over a steaming cup of coffee (which for you, dad, was always scalding hot. Mom said you had already burnt all your taste buds off which is why you always needed it boiling lava hot). I will remember the time that all the presents were opened and all the toys were scattered and then you told us there was one more present. You opened the door to the back porch and there it was, a homemade doll house that looked like our house. It was the best present ever!! Luckily, Aaron also likes real trees and I cannot wait until we have children and they start bringing home their ornaments to add to our new tacky, jumbled, colorful, fun family Christmas tree. And I will always have those memories to laugh about and share with Joe and Marcie. And I think Aaron just may have to build a homemade dollhouse someday years from now.
Merry Christmas dad! I miss you more and more each day, I am sure Christmas is a little bit more amazing where you are though :)
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
In My Dreams
Dear Dad,
I dreamed of you last night. Perhaps it’s because I have been writing letters to you again or perhaps it’s simply because you have been on my heart. In my dream, you were dying but you weren’t in the hospital or at Trillium. You were home and you were in Seedie’s room in her bed, not in your hospital bed. You were even lying on your side which I know you couldn’t do for a long time before you left. We kept thinking you had taken your last breath but then you would still be there. You were completely coherent, not halfway in another world like you were in real life. In my dream I went out to my car to get something and Seedie came running out and said, “That’s it, he is gone for real this time. It’s over.” So I went into your room to say goodbye. You were lying on your side with your legs curled up and I grabbed your hand and it was still warm. I held your hand for a minute and then you took a deep, gasping breath and said, “Thank you, I needed that.” And we smiled at each other and cried together... then I woke up. I am not sure what any of it means but I am so glad I got to hear your voice again. I have missed it so much. At the same time, it has left me a little down today. It really brings to light the lack of having you here. It reminded me that I can’t just go over to your house and hang out with you anymore. It reminded me how different my life has become without you. But it also reminded me of how free you are now, no longer incapable of walking or even moving. No longer trapped. I love you papa, thanks for the visit.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
I dreamed of you last night. Perhaps it’s because I have been writing letters to you again or perhaps it’s simply because you have been on my heart. In my dream, you were dying but you weren’t in the hospital or at Trillium. You were home and you were in Seedie’s room in her bed, not in your hospital bed. You were even lying on your side which I know you couldn’t do for a long time before you left. We kept thinking you had taken your last breath but then you would still be there. You were completely coherent, not halfway in another world like you were in real life. In my dream I went out to my car to get something and Seedie came running out and said, “That’s it, he is gone for real this time. It’s over.” So I went into your room to say goodbye. You were lying on your side with your legs curled up and I grabbed your hand and it was still warm. I held your hand for a minute and then you took a deep, gasping breath and said, “Thank you, I needed that.” And we smiled at each other and cried together... then I woke up. I am not sure what any of it means but I am so glad I got to hear your voice again. I have missed it so much. At the same time, it has left me a little down today. It really brings to light the lack of having you here. It reminded me that I can’t just go over to your house and hang out with you anymore. It reminded me how different my life has become without you. But it also reminded me of how free you are now, no longer incapable of walking or even moving. No longer trapped. I love you papa, thanks for the visit.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What Why How?
Dear Dad,
What do you do when you are watching someone self-destruct? When you stand by watching helplessly as their lives are burning to the ground? When there is nothing you can do to help because they won’t accept your help and apparently don’t know how to help themselves? It makes me literally feel sick in my stomach to watch her destroy herself. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to walk away? Am I supposed to reach out and help her? What would you have done dad? How would you have dealt with this? How can you endure the pain of watching a loved one slowly make themselves more and more miserable? Why doesn’t she love herself? Why doesn’t she think she is worth more than the life she is living? Where did she get the idea that it is okay to live like that? It’s not how we were raised, it’s not what we were shown as kids. What do I do dad? How do I sit back and watch her and not feel hurt for her?
What am I supposed to do?
What do you do when you are watching someone self-destruct? When you stand by watching helplessly as their lives are burning to the ground? When there is nothing you can do to help because they won’t accept your help and apparently don’t know how to help themselves? It makes me literally feel sick in my stomach to watch her destroy herself. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to walk away? Am I supposed to reach out and help her? What would you have done dad? How would you have dealt with this? How can you endure the pain of watching a loved one slowly make themselves more and more miserable? Why doesn’t she love herself? Why doesn’t she think she is worth more than the life she is living? Where did she get the idea that it is okay to live like that? It’s not how we were raised, it’s not what we were shown as kids. What do I do dad? How do I sit back and watch her and not feel hurt for her?
What am I supposed to do?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Its Been a While...
Dear Dad,
I miss you so much. It has been a little while since we have talked and so much has happened. The wedding was so perfect, dad. All week they had been calling for rain, high heat and high humidity, but it all turned out perfect! It didn’t rain a single time. I think the Big Guy was watching out for us :) the only way that the day could have been better is if you had been there with us but, in a way, you were with me the whole time. You still walked down the aisle with me, we had you in our hearts and I had you on my bouquet :) I showed Joe your picture and it was over from there, no holding back the tears. But don’t worry, Joe did a great job taking care of me and he still is. He even took us skydiving, but I will tell you more about that later! Our relationship has grown stronger every day, and so has my marriage to Aaron. There are still days that I wish you were here to give me marriage advice… lots of days… but I pray about it and I try to imagine what you would tell me. You were so full of wisdom papa and I really miss picking your brain.
The honeymoon was so fun! We got to see so much and it makes me realize how much more of this world I want to see! There is so much beauty out there and so many things to do. I love that you and Seedie got to travel so much together in the first years of your relationship. I miss that for her. I miss getting your random text messages while I am at work and you are on a beach somewhere with your wifey.
So, we went skydiving. July 17, 2010 Aaron, Marcie, Phil and myself all did tandems. Joe went with us of course. He jumped at 5,000 feet from Marcie’s flight so that he could make it to the ground in time to get on board with Aaron and I. I got to see him jump your rig. Watching him gather up the parachute and walk in made me think of you so much I started to cry. Mom said he even landed like you used to. I watched Marcie come in too. It was so exciting, dad! I can see why you did it for so many years and its hard to not want to become a certified skydiver! Marcie is planning on it though and we think it would be a good use of her time! The people there were all so nice and they would be good influences on her. I am torn because I don’t want to do it without Aaron and I just don’t know that it would fit into our plans for the future. I guess we will see what happens after our next jump… we are going again! August 14 is a boogie weekend and Joe wants us to come back. I cant wait :)
There are so many other things I want to tell you dad, so many things that I have missed without you. I love you so much and I think about you all the time. I know that you wouldn’t come back even if you had the chance because it must be so amazing up there! We are holding each other up down here and working on making you proud.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie KENDRA!!
I miss you so much. It has been a little while since we have talked and so much has happened. The wedding was so perfect, dad. All week they had been calling for rain, high heat and high humidity, but it all turned out perfect! It didn’t rain a single time. I think the Big Guy was watching out for us :) the only way that the day could have been better is if you had been there with us but, in a way, you were with me the whole time. You still walked down the aisle with me, we had you in our hearts and I had you on my bouquet :) I showed Joe your picture and it was over from there, no holding back the tears. But don’t worry, Joe did a great job taking care of me and he still is. He even took us skydiving, but I will tell you more about that later! Our relationship has grown stronger every day, and so has my marriage to Aaron. There are still days that I wish you were here to give me marriage advice… lots of days… but I pray about it and I try to imagine what you would tell me. You were so full of wisdom papa and I really miss picking your brain.
The honeymoon was so fun! We got to see so much and it makes me realize how much more of this world I want to see! There is so much beauty out there and so many things to do. I love that you and Seedie got to travel so much together in the first years of your relationship. I miss that for her. I miss getting your random text messages while I am at work and you are on a beach somewhere with your wifey.
So, we went skydiving. July 17, 2010 Aaron, Marcie, Phil and myself all did tandems. Joe went with us of course. He jumped at 5,000 feet from Marcie’s flight so that he could make it to the ground in time to get on board with Aaron and I. I got to see him jump your rig. Watching him gather up the parachute and walk in made me think of you so much I started to cry. Mom said he even landed like you used to. I watched Marcie come in too. It was so exciting, dad! I can see why you did it for so many years and its hard to not want to become a certified skydiver! Marcie is planning on it though and we think it would be a good use of her time! The people there were all so nice and they would be good influences on her. I am torn because I don’t want to do it without Aaron and I just don’t know that it would fit into our plans for the future. I guess we will see what happens after our next jump… we are going again! August 14 is a boogie weekend and Joe wants us to come back. I cant wait :)
There are so many other things I want to tell you dad, so many things that I have missed without you. I love you so much and I think about you all the time. I know that you wouldn’t come back even if you had the chance because it must be so amazing up there! We are holding each other up down here and working on making you proud.
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie KENDRA!!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My Rock
Dear Dad,
I started to listen to the book on tape from Dr. Dobson called Prayers and Promises. I really wish I had listened to it sooner. It has been very good to listen to and it kind of helps me to see how you may have been feeling for the past couple years. There were a couple things that he said that really opened my eyes. One thing he said was, “You are indispensible until your work on earth is done”. Whatever your purpose was here, dad, I know that you fulfilled it before you left. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God used your illness for His glory. There are so many lives that were touched by you because of ALS that would not have been touched otherwise. I am listing people off in my head and I am astonished at the blessing you have been to everyone. I pray that I can leave half as big of a legacy as you have, dad.
We only have 9 days left until the wedding and I feel like everything is coming together. I bought a car too! You would be so proud of me, dad. I just know it. It’s a safe vehicle that will be a great family car… someday ;)
Dr. Dobson also said, “If God chooses not to heal me, He will give me the greatest power and strength to deal with this weakness; in this I can be confident” and I know that is how you lived your life. I don’t know of anyone else that would be more capable to take on such a horrible disease. You became outwardly weak with so much inner strength. No matter what, I still considered you my rock. You never stopped being positive. “You can mope, or you can cope” you would always say but I think you did much more than cope, dad. You were a testament to people of God’s joy and peace. I am sure it wasn’t easy, but somehow you knew how to be happy just about all the time :) I miss your laugh and your corny jokes but I am glad that I heard both of those things about a gazillion times because now I can still hear them in my head when I listen closely. Marcie said she had a dream about you the other day and she kept saying you were “so happy” and walking and you told her you were ok. I haven’t had a single dream about you yet. I am trying to understand how that could be a blessing, but I really wish I could see you again. I am sure God is trying to give me time to heal.
You were a strong, happy, joyous, peaceful, encouraging, funny man who blessed anyone who crossed your path. I hope people will say that about me someday when it’s my time to go (except for the man part) ;)
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
I started to listen to the book on tape from Dr. Dobson called Prayers and Promises. I really wish I had listened to it sooner. It has been very good to listen to and it kind of helps me to see how you may have been feeling for the past couple years. There were a couple things that he said that really opened my eyes. One thing he said was, “You are indispensible until your work on earth is done”. Whatever your purpose was here, dad, I know that you fulfilled it before you left. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God used your illness for His glory. There are so many lives that were touched by you because of ALS that would not have been touched otherwise. I am listing people off in my head and I am astonished at the blessing you have been to everyone. I pray that I can leave half as big of a legacy as you have, dad.
We only have 9 days left until the wedding and I feel like everything is coming together. I bought a car too! You would be so proud of me, dad. I just know it. It’s a safe vehicle that will be a great family car… someday ;)
Dr. Dobson also said, “If God chooses not to heal me, He will give me the greatest power and strength to deal with this weakness; in this I can be confident” and I know that is how you lived your life. I don’t know of anyone else that would be more capable to take on such a horrible disease. You became outwardly weak with so much inner strength. No matter what, I still considered you my rock. You never stopped being positive. “You can mope, or you can cope” you would always say but I think you did much more than cope, dad. You were a testament to people of God’s joy and peace. I am sure it wasn’t easy, but somehow you knew how to be happy just about all the time :) I miss your laugh and your corny jokes but I am glad that I heard both of those things about a gazillion times because now I can still hear them in my head when I listen closely. Marcie said she had a dream about you the other day and she kept saying you were “so happy” and walking and you told her you were ok. I haven’t had a single dream about you yet. I am trying to understand how that could be a blessing, but I really wish I could see you again. I am sure God is trying to give me time to heal.
You were a strong, happy, joyous, peaceful, encouraging, funny man who blessed anyone who crossed your path. I hope people will say that about me someday when it’s my time to go (except for the man part) ;)
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
venting
Dear Dad,
I suppose it wasn’t always the advice that you gave me but just the way you let me vent and then made me feel like everything was going to be ok. What do I do now when I need to vent? I don’t want to dump on Aaron… I guess these letters will help. It always feels good to get things off your chest, even if it isn’t verbal. I try to think about what you would say and the easiest way to think about that is to think about what a biblical answer would be and how I continue to have and show God’s love through the situation. I feel like the smallest things get me emotional now though, but I know that is probably to be expected given the situation.
I was cleaning out my email today and found one that you had sent me, it wasn’t even anything really but seeing your name in my email made me miss your presence.
Did I tell you that we are going to go skydiving in July? Finally! It will be Aaron and I, Marcie and a couple other people. We’re all doing tandems. Joe is going to go up with us but they won’t let him connect with us in the air until like 500 jumps… so that isn’t happening anytime soon :) He is jumping your chute now, he said it is an amazing feeling. I just can’t wait to see what it was like for so many years of your life while we just sat on the ground watching you fly through the sky thinking how cool our parents were. Now it’s our turn to see what it’s all about. I cannot wait.
Love you Bunches,
Cassie Winnie
I suppose it wasn’t always the advice that you gave me but just the way you let me vent and then made me feel like everything was going to be ok. What do I do now when I need to vent? I don’t want to dump on Aaron… I guess these letters will help. It always feels good to get things off your chest, even if it isn’t verbal. I try to think about what you would say and the easiest way to think about that is to think about what a biblical answer would be and how I continue to have and show God’s love through the situation. I feel like the smallest things get me emotional now though, but I know that is probably to be expected given the situation.
I was cleaning out my email today and found one that you had sent me, it wasn’t even anything really but seeing your name in my email made me miss your presence.
Did I tell you that we are going to go skydiving in July? Finally! It will be Aaron and I, Marcie and a couple other people. We’re all doing tandems. Joe is going to go up with us but they won’t let him connect with us in the air until like 500 jumps… so that isn’t happening anytime soon :) He is jumping your chute now, he said it is an amazing feeling. I just can’t wait to see what it was like for so many years of your life while we just sat on the ground watching you fly through the sky thinking how cool our parents were. Now it’s our turn to see what it’s all about. I cannot wait.
Love you Bunches,
Cassie Winnie
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Dream a Little Dream
Dear Dad,
This weekend we had our bachelor and bachelorette parties which were a lot of fun. But for some reason, in the midst of all the celebrating, I had a rough time emotionally. Maybe it was because normally I would come over the next day and tell you all about my day and how much fun us girls had and what I had heard about the guy’s day. You were the one I told everything to so perhaps not being able to do that anymore is what was bothering me. Or maybe it is starting to sink in that you aren’t here with us physically anymore. Today marks three weeks since you left us. I still feel like I can just go to your house and there you will be, sitting in your wheelchair watching the History Channel and using your handheld mouse to work on your computer and we can just pick up where we left off. I guess I am just missing your presence. I remember that we agreed that you would come visit me in my dreams and I am sure you are busy using your new legs and arms but anytime you want to visit me I would love to “see” you. I cannot wait to see you walking again, even if it is just in my dreams for now.
Marcie and I had a “date night” last night. She came over to Aaron’s and we started watching Boston Legal again where you and I had left off. It only seems right to finish the series and while we were watching it I kept thinking of watching it with you and it made me smile. Thinking about times like when there would normally be a commercial break if we had been watching it on TV you would say “Commercial” and then the show would pick back up because it is on DVD and there are no commercials and you would either say “that was quick” or “oh wait, there are none”. So of course I said it every time but Marcie didn’t seem to get annoyed, we both just smiled. That is my favorite thing to do, smile and laugh while remembering you. It’s going to be a busy few weeks since we only have 18 days until the wedding! I got something special for you, it’s a little picture frame pin that has a charm that says “dad” on it. I am going to put a picture of you in there and pin it to the ribbon on my bouquet so that you can still walk down the aisle with me :)
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
This weekend we had our bachelor and bachelorette parties which were a lot of fun. But for some reason, in the midst of all the celebrating, I had a rough time emotionally. Maybe it was because normally I would come over the next day and tell you all about my day and how much fun us girls had and what I had heard about the guy’s day. You were the one I told everything to so perhaps not being able to do that anymore is what was bothering me. Or maybe it is starting to sink in that you aren’t here with us physically anymore. Today marks three weeks since you left us. I still feel like I can just go to your house and there you will be, sitting in your wheelchair watching the History Channel and using your handheld mouse to work on your computer and we can just pick up where we left off. I guess I am just missing your presence. I remember that we agreed that you would come visit me in my dreams and I am sure you are busy using your new legs and arms but anytime you want to visit me I would love to “see” you. I cannot wait to see you walking again, even if it is just in my dreams for now.
Marcie and I had a “date night” last night. She came over to Aaron’s and we started watching Boston Legal again where you and I had left off. It only seems right to finish the series and while we were watching it I kept thinking of watching it with you and it made me smile. Thinking about times like when there would normally be a commercial break if we had been watching it on TV you would say “Commercial” and then the show would pick back up because it is on DVD and there are no commercials and you would either say “that was quick” or “oh wait, there are none”. So of course I said it every time but Marcie didn’t seem to get annoyed, we both just smiled. That is my favorite thing to do, smile and laugh while remembering you. It’s going to be a busy few weeks since we only have 18 days until the wedding! I got something special for you, it’s a little picture frame pin that has a charm that says “dad” on it. I am going to put a picture of you in there and pin it to the ribbon on my bouquet so that you can still walk down the aisle with me :)
Love you bunches,
Cassie Winnie
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